"I'm Not Racist" - How to Handle Denial

By Ruschelle Khanna, LCSW

Over the past few weeks I have had conversations with clients of all backgrounds about what to do when their family member is racist. These conversations range anywhere from “my family member is blatantly racist” to “my family member says they don’t see color.” My clients express wanting to be able to maintain their relationships without compromising their stance on race. Today’s blog is a review of ONE way to navigate potentially difficult conversations. This blog is not meant to be the end answer to interacting with racism. Rather, it is a review of one aspect of conflict mediation. 

Today we are going to specifically take a look at how to handle denial. Denial of racism can sound like “but I have black friends”; “I’m not racist, I believe we are all the same”; “I cant be racist I am always good to the black people I interact with”; “I have volunteered in black neighborhoods or hired black people to work for me.” 

I understand these statements can be difficult to hear and confusing to know how to respond. When we hear denial from white friends and family it’s important to put it in context of how people change. If you have ever changed a behavior in your life you can acknowledge there was a time in which you did not view that thing as a problem. 

Denial is being unaware there is a problem. 

Denial is also a stage of change. It is the first stage of change. It is the stage before we recognize we have a problem. The next stage someone enters after denial is to possibly contemplate there is a problem. Just remember. Your friend or family member isn’t even there yet. It’s like expecting a toddler to know how to drive a car. It’s not going to happen. And no matter how wrong, unethical, unfair or hate filled that may feel to you, it does not matter. Insight and change have to come from inside your loved one. 

Denial is a tricky tricky thing because it is so difficult to have a conversation with. Think about other times when you may have interacted with someone who seemed not to be in the same reality as you. They just couldn't see what you see. Just because we are in a different reality or stage of change regarding race doesn’t mean we can’t continue to have relationships. Intolerance has no place in mediation, not even on the side of someone awake to racism. I’m not saying you have to talk to your racist friend. I’m just saying if you want to maintain a relationship and possibly encourage change in their thinking, we know ways to do that. 

Unfortunately the answer to “how do I talk to denial?” is not usually one people like to hear. 

We know from research on behavior change that there is only one way to speak to denial - curiosity and understanding. This is usually the point in my sessions where my client wants to hang up the call. “Are you telling me I have to be understanding of their racism?” - No

I’m not saying to be understanding or tolerant of their racism. I am saying we know that by listening deeply to people in denial and respecting their experience in a conversation, they become more open and willing to have a conversation. And having an open dialogue is the first point of change. So when uncle Joe says “I’m not racist. I always treat black people well. They just need to know their place.”, one response could be “Can you tell me a bit more about people knowing their place?. Just become curious. Just stay curious. Again, curiosity is NOT condoning racism. Our goal is to assist a person in an open dialogue where they may become more aware of different ways of thinking. I know this is a big ask and you never have to do anything you don’t want. But if we treat racism as a behavior that can be changed AND we know specific, research backed ways to facilitate change, then racism can be resolved. And loved ones can continue to speak with each other even if their realities look dramatically different. 

Stay tuned for my upcoming blog where I will discuss how to help loved ones when they begin to consider they might be racist.