Myths About Loss
By Kacie Mitterando, LMSW
Death, grief, mourning… All of these words are associated with loss and for many, these ideas and emotions are some of the biggest fears that we are carrying around. Often times, those suffering from anxiety might have constant worry about the loss of a loved one due to a tragic accident and for those who don’t suffer from anxiety, the idea that we are all mortal and will eventually have to grieve, and pass along ourselves, can cause complete fear and panic. There are different ways to cope with the idea of death, however; first we must confront the myths about grief and loss that aid in the paralysis of dealing with these difficult emotions.
1. Myth: We must be positive around our loved ones who are dying and we cannot cry in front of them.
Many times, we are told that if we are positive and consistently hopeful around our loved ones it will help them live longer and fight harder. While being generally positive in life can be helpful in many ways, we don’t always need to be positive, especially during a situation in which we are mourning. Ultimately, dying is a biological process, and our thoughts will not deter this. It is OK to cry and show the person you’re with that you deeply care about this situation. Additionally, your loved one may want to talk about the difficult feelings and emotions they may be experiencing. If this is the case, simply listening and staying with them may be incredibly valuable (1).
2. Myth: Grief is a bad thing.
When we think of grieving, it may not sound like something we necessarily want to experience. Despite this, research has led us to believe that the grief process is generally a healthy process. While we are grieving, we’re often tasked with questions that help us heal and honor our loved ones. Some of the thoughts many people have following a loss is “who am I without this person?” and “how can I honor this person’s memory?” These questions allow us to come to a place of acceptance and come to the terms with loss (3).
3. Myth: I must be there when my loved one passes away.
When someone is ill, families often go above and beyond to ensure that their loved one isn’t alone. This can result in the dying family member moving into someone’s home, or setting up a rotating shift of siblings or other family members sitting with this person. When my uncle was ill and days away from dying, my mother sat next to him almost every moment of every day. One day, she traveled home from the hospital to shower and eat lunch but while she was gone, the hospital called and said that he had passed. It is likely for guilt to follow in this situation. While there are accounts of people appearing to wait until they’re alone, or waiting until all of the family members show up, we cannot control when it is time for someone to die and are allowed to extend some grace to ourselves if this happens.
4. Myth: You must grieve a certain way.
Most of us can list the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If you look at some of the losses you’ve personally experienced, even on a smaller level, such as the loss of a job or a breakup, you may have gone through some of these stages as well. While these stages are very real, everyone experiences these stages different. Often times, someone suffering from the loss of another may repeat some of these stages, skip them, or experience emotions not involved with any of the stages. It’s important for someone experiencing grief to allow their emotions and thoughts to come as they are, and not compare to the stages or the grief of another (2).
Grief, death and loss are all incredibly difficult. You have permission to experience these emotions and grieve, or mourn, in a way that allows your deepest needs to be met. As always, speak with a trusted loved one or counselor if it feels right.
1. 5 Myths About Dying That Too Many People Believe. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-grief/201905/5-myths-about-dying-too-many-people-believe.
2. Four Unexpected Ways We Experience Grief. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201904/four-unexpected-ways-we-experience-grief.
3. Five Myths About Grief You May Believe. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201909/five-myths-about-grief-you-may-believe.